BY PHUMZILE NDLOVU
Imagine having to operate a machine that would make your life easier, but you don’t know the instructions on how to use it? Now, as much as this machine might have made your life easier, if you don’t know which buttons to press, it will be rather useless—unless, of course, you give yourself time to learn the manual.
This also applies to relationships—well, at least in my books. If you don’t know the love language of Sipho or Sibongile, sooner or later you will mess up a good thing. Why? Because you don’t know how to love your partner in the way that makes sense to them, or what they relate to as love. The reality is every individual you meet or date has their own version of what they define as love. And unless you do those things, they will probably move on to the next person who understands their love language.
The simple way I can describe a love language is: how one person defines or describes what love is from their perspective. This can be shaped by a lot of things—from childhood to love in this century. For some, love looks like Sipho opening the car door, pulling out a chair for her, calling her as many times during the day as possible, fetching or dropping her off at work, public displays of affection—kissing in public and being all lovey dovey), getting roses delivered at work, random gifts even if It’s not her birthday, random dinner dates, girlfriend allowance ngiyabekisa, or surprise weekend getaways planned by Sipho.
For Sipho, however, his love language might be a home-cooked meal (not takeaways), doing his laundry when you visit for the weekend, cleaning his flat, no excuses for inkonzo as often as possible, being nice to his friends (even the one you don’t like because he has too many women in his life), understanding that “boys’ night out” means no fifteen calls to check up on him, leaving his phone alone, not demanding he gives you money, being his biggest supporter, not broadcasting his challenges he shared in private with you and getting along with his siblings—especially his mother (ngiyabekisa).
Some love languages, come to think of it, are shaped by what Sibongile saw her dad do to show love to her mom. Of course, that’s what she grew up believing love looked like—washing dishes together and having coffee every morning before they start their day. So, if Sipho doesn’t do these things, kusho kutsi he doesn’t love her—which is not necessarily true.
The reality is, both males and females can never know each other’s love languages if they are not spelled out clearly. You can’t blame Sipho for not delivering flowers at work like your previous partner used to, because honestly—you never told him, akati! Same goes for Sipho—you can’t expect Sibongile to know that if she doesn’t cook ligusha the way your mother cooks it, it means she doesn’t love you. You have to tell her your love languages, all of them, right from the talking stages, so you both know how best to show love to each other.
Trust me, as old as I am, it also took me a while to learn that each Sipho has his own love language—because at the end of the day, everyone is different. The key here is communication. Talk about the things that define love for you, so your partner knows. And if they feel they can’t do the things that are important to you, kusheshe kubonakale early—so you don’t waste each other’s time.
Ngiyabekisa—if you know very well that you don’t subscribe to cleaning his flat or cooking for him, he needs to know early, so he can decide if it’s worth pursuing. Same for Sibongile—if she realizes Sipho can never meet the standards or her non-negotiable she needs to feel loved, asheshe ati.
For me, my love languages include traveling together, anywhere there’s water (because I love water), lots of food (because I love food), great music (because I’m a music lover), and plenty of calls throughout the day. But again, asfani—discuss yours with your partner for harmony in Loveland.
Until next week—
You are amazing, keep shining!
(Courtesy Pics / Internet)
