BY PHUMZILE NDLOVU
Early in the week, as I was going through social media, I saw a post that read, “Why does the heart want the one who responds with an emoji after a lengthy paragraph?”
Let’s just say we have all been there. After all, the heart has no brain at all. It wants what it wants, whether there’s logic or not to begin with — it’s neither here nor there! As older people would tell you, inhlitiyo ayiphakelwa— it wants what it wants, whether it makes sense or not.
We know of smart educated women out there who have fallen for the bad boy that we all knew was going to end badly. But ke, since they were in love, despite all the warnings and proof of the number of women you knew who all got hurt by this guy — because he’s just that-a player- and no woman escaped his charms or left without a broken heart.
But because you think that you are different and special, you have somehow convinced yourself that he will be different with you, because wena ukutsandza mbamba. He has, after all, introduced you to his friends, one sibling, and colleagues and you have met two of his kids, so vele you are convinced that you are the one… kani ewu! A few months later, you learn that he has introduced the new Sibongile as well to the same people. It’s just the same cycle, but a different face every few months.
The sad reality is when you are the one who loves the most, you will be the one who has no power in the relationship — because the one who loves less will pretty much dictate where the relationship is going. When he or she says jump, because you love them so much, you will do just that without even asking why you are jumping in the first place, because you are scared to lose him.
When you allow him to dictate when you can call him or not, when you agree not to show affection in public because he doesn’t want people to know you are a couple, when he tells you that you can’t come to his house because of reasons that nawe nje uyabona don’t add up — but because you love him, you agree despite your reservations and how it makes you feel. When he tells you not to tag him on Facebook because he doesn’t want his business out there — kani yena, he knows it’s because you are not the official one, or the one he loves.
The irony though is, men aren’t complicated at all — they treat you exactly how they feel about you.
The honest truth is: women love the challenge. We somehow think or hope he will be different with us. We love fixing men to our ideal Sipho. The reality is you can’t change a grown man; if he’s a player, that’s just who he is. He won’t suddenly change because you have two degrees — ngiyabekisa. Hence last week I suggested the questions we should ask on the first date to avoid some of these things.
How many times do we ignore what we know when the facts are screaming at us, but we convince ourselves that it’s not what it looks like?
So when you find yourself in a situation where you are faced with all the facts, and your emotions tell you something else, what do you do? As most will tell you, the heart has its own brain — because deep down, we always know when a guy is bad news for us, but the heart gives the wrong directions, as it will keep saying “keep right,” kani actually you should have long turned left.
You will never find what’s meant for you if you keep hanging on to what’s not yours. Be with the guy who actually loves you — it will be much easier — not one who thinks he’s doing you a favour. What’s coming is definitely better than what’s gone. So when you have made the call to end it because you know you deserve better, the universe will reward you in good time with what’s yours.
In the meantime, love yourself. Till next week!
