BY PHUMZILE NDLOVU
Think back to the first date with Sipho or Sibongile. If you had mastered the courage to ask some difficult questions the first time you met, you could have saved yourself from heartbreak, disappointment, a breakup, or worse — a divorce.
Most of us are guilty of trying to be nice so we don’t scare a potential partner away by asking relevant questions — the ones we consider “too personal” for a first date. But a few months later, you realize that you should have asked those questions to save yourself from therapy sessions because Sipho has broken your heart, and now you’re left picking up the pieces once again.
Yes, I agree that some questions can be reserved for later — maybe the third or fourth date — nasobona kutsi kuyatsembisa ngiyabekisa. But personally, I would highly recommend asking at least some of these questions before agreeing to meet for a second date (or more).
The first question is: “Are you single?”
This is a very important question that most people ignore, yet it can be the reason you end up having a meltdown — because he was never single to begin with. Most importantly, also ask if there is anyone who thinks they are in a relationship with them. Kumcoka! It’s possible that he thinks he’s single, yet baby mama believes they are still together because every time he goes to see the baby, bayavuselana — and he leaves the next morning,ngiyabekisa.
The same goes for Sibongile — she could also be in an unofficial relationship with her baby daddy, as many women hold on to the fairy-tale that they’ll be a happy family once Sipho “grows up” and finally proposes. Which hardly ever happens— but hey, let’s move on.
It’s also important to know if he stays alone or with other people, and if so, what the relationship is — you’ll thank me later!
Next: “When did your last relationship end, and how?”
This is important because it gives you an idea of where he is mentally — is he just looking for a rebound or a “cooling station” while he’s on a break with Sibongile? It also helps you learn if he recognizes or acknowledges the role he played in the breakup or if he paints himself as the angel. Pay attention to his body language too — is he being economical with the truth or just painting a pretty picture of himself while making the other party the villain?
Ask about his kids. How many does he have, and with how many women? Don’t just stop at the number — determine if there’s one woman you’ll be dealing with or a few. This helps you decide if you want to get involved with someone who has four baby mamas, each bringing their own drama. Ngiyabekisa.
Ask about his career, job, or studies.
It might come off as forward, but the last thing you need is a man who can’t afford himself. Soon you’ll be sponsoring sneakers, paying rent, and buying his groceries because he has you — a working girlfriend. While you’re at it, ask about his future plans — say, five years from now!
Ask about religion.
The last thing you need is to end up with someone who worships other idols besides God. As fate would have it, if you get married, you might have to give up your beliefs in God to join his religion or ancestors. Ngiyabekisa.
Honestly speaking, there are plenty more questions you can ask after these ones — like his favourite food, holiday destination, cologne, or movie. But for me, those are follow-up questions — for a second or third date. Because if the answers to the first ones don’t sound right, I’d advise *no* second date. Save yourself the trauma a few months later.
Some have skipped these important questions only to end up depressed after learning that Sipho is actually married, has multiple baby mamas, and they’re all still very much in his life — he’s just hasn’t picked one as his “official” wife yet. Knowing who he stays with- might seem minor until you want to visit him and leave your earrings to mark your territory. But if he stays with baby mama — ngiyabekisa — how on earth will your visit be possible?
Personally, I ask these questions. Yes, for me, it’s more like an interrogation session — but in a lighter, fun way. And if I’m not impressed with the answers, trust me — there shall be no second date!
Till next week, take care of your pretty heart. There are still good men and women out there — find yours!
