BY PHUMZILE NDLOVU
We are all guilty of ignoring the red flags we spotted early on, but for some reason or another, we decided to look the other way, hoping it was not as bad as it looked, when we should have run in the opposite direction at the first sign of inappropriate behaviour.
We can blame it on human nature, as we all, at the end of the day, we all want to end up with someone to call our partner. So, often at times, we end up tolerating things that we shouldn’t — for our sanity and peace of mind in the long run.
Think about it: the red flags are right there at the beginning of any relationship. They don’t suddenly appear when we’ve had it with Sipho or Sibongile. The honest truth is you should have walked away the first time Sipho pushed you — that alone proved he was capable of more. And as fate would have it, you ended up in hospital, bruised and on crutches. You know you should have left the first time he slapped you and later woke up to a decorated apology that included diamonds, your favourite treats, and that expensive bag. You stayed, and he promised to seek help for his temper but never did — and now you are partially blind from the last assault.
You know you should have left the first time he finally confessed that he was indeed the father of the baby next door. Now, three kids later, you’ve finally realized that it’s not just the diseases he brings home by not even being safe when he’s out there — it’s the fact that he will just never change.
You know you should have dumped him the minute he took you to a hotel because there were “renovations” being done at his house. Or that he had visitors and it was too soon to take you to his place because he stayed with his younger sibling and wanted to “set an example.” Yet, the whole time, he was married — and the reason you don’t even know which suburb he stays in is because there’s already someone in his house. The *Mrs.* So, of course, he couldn’t invite you over. Women unfortunately fall for this major red flag all the time — the hotel is always a dead giveaway that the man is already someone’s husband, or there’s an official Sibongile that he lives with.
The other red flag is the “I forgot my wallet” story — and suddenly you have to pay for the outing he initiated as a date. Soon it turns into, “Can you please lend me E500? I’ll sort you out month-end.” Next thing, month-end comes and there’s another story. The list is endless, and you keep helping out until you finally figure it out — you were always the target because you have a great job and earn more. So, he figured he might as well milk you. This one, I honestly don’t know how women fall victim to — or maybe it’s because I’m old-fashioned — but we never gave Sipho our money, just like that. Sure, we can spoil him on his birthday, buy expensive gifts, take him out, and settle the bill, but not give him money.
Same goes for Sipho. The first time you learned that she lied about having kids — when you were clear you didn’t want to date someone with children — you should have left. There are white lies, and then there are lies that make you rethink if it’s worth being with that person. If they can lie about something so important, what else are they capable of lying about? When she asked you to pay her rent, you should have run in the opposite direction — because soon it was her weave, which she couldn’t afford to begin with, but somehow you were supposed to finance it. Don’t get me wrong — yes, treat your woman well and help her out when she needs it because she had a tough month or had to help with school fees for her siblings, *ngiyabekisa* — but never be her ATM. You are not her father, unless, of course, you’re her ‘blesser’, ngiyabekisa, and that’s the arrangement between you two.
Hear me when I say this: the red flags we ignore always end up costing us more later on. Women end up dead with the high rise of Gender-Based Violence — which usually starts with just a slap and insults. Women end up sick with incurable diseases because they kept forgiving Sipho every time he claimed to have changed. And now, four kids outside your marriage later, you’ve finally woken up — only it’s too late. Because you ignored the red flag of always meeting up at hotels, now you are being cited in a divorce as the mistress — because you didn’t ask the hard questions about why you always met at your place or hotels.
So next time you see the red flags — something that unsettles you about Sipho or Sibongile — ask yourself: will you address and deal with it there and then, or tolerate it, which sadly will only end badly?, It’s your call!
Till next week, remember: you deserve better. Don’t settle for crumbs for the sake of being in a “relationship.”
(Courtesy Pics)
